本來，寫的量已越見下趺，而已，為了勤加練習英文，又時常寫英文的post，於是，長期失蹤是可以預料的，然而，我自己反而是越來越不知道怎麼用中文來寫東西——內在的東西。這個東西當然不是近來出現的。近年我發現自己已寫不了日記，卻也能寫一些關於別的事情的評論。然而，近來我的體會卻不是語文的，一些在語言上不能言傳的東西。

• 不信

我在持續的痛楚和焦慮中，反而感到自己和精神性的上帝越見遠離，我漸漸好像體察著一些東西，這世界，it’s just the way it is，它就是這樣的，苦難是一種無目的之宗教意象。然而，苦難卻是人們貼近精神世界的一個啟蒙，而人們總是會想找一些超然的答題來解讀這些現象，那些困擾他們的事。當我讀歷史，尤其是西方及那些在地上一個一個尤如過客的文明的歷史，我感到自己漸漸傾向了一種唯物的視點，這世界這時間的洪流，慘無人道的事總是無日無之的發生，當地上持續發生一些我們根本想像不了的慘事時，若然世上有一個超然而人格化的神，那這冷漠無情的神的存在其實比地上的災難更令人感到恐怖。於是，祂的存在與否，其實跟我們與世界以及生存的鬥爭一直都沒有甚麼關係。文明是一道圍牆，在圍牆之外的世界是自由的，然而那種自由也是伴隨恐懼的。於是，在圍牆內，馬克斯所說那種意識和精神上的鴉片，其實是被需要的，為了北大人常常說的和諧穩定。

於是，我在說的是，其實圍牆之外，就是人們的精神世界，一個他們下意識非常懼怕進入的地方。在圍牆之內，我們創造許多的東西分散自己的注意力—食色鬥爭。圍牆之內，是佛說的色界。

近月，我持續地受著一種無以名狀的焦慮困擾，我卻感到自己越來越不信神，甚至不信佛，我越來越無所相信。我甚至也不相信圍牆之外有甚麼是我能得著的，其實圍牆裡有甚麼不好，那裡有一切令人順心的事物。我想到一種對女人的觀察。我知道這篇寫得如此放蕩，是沒有人會看完的(平常的拘謹是為了文章popular、易讀一點)，但我還是會繼續寫完它。哦說到一種對女人的觀察。其實，我感到神奇的是，女人只是女人，一種動物。然而女人的一些無意識的動靜，在男人的眼中便成了「巧笑倩兮，美目盼兮」，這真奇怪是不是，這種奇異的一種無形的東西，是一種與生俱來的重擔，可是，也是一種必要的重擔。它令我們去到最終最苦，也有活著的誘因。我不明白那些提昌戒絕它的宗派學說，提倡禁慾引致的是諸如神父搞細路或者和尚尼姑亂yo之類的問題，其實，這些也是小case，現在正出現一個整個國家被禁制慾望而後出現的後遺症——中國。此刻這種如吃了興奮劑的極致資本主義，在一向不重視人命的天朝便成了一頭插了翼的猛獸。他們不停吃不停建不停幹不停殺不停賺不停蝕，是一種對共產禁慾的反動。

• 為我

看一些春秋戰國的書，九流十家，也沒甚麼感應，反而是楊朱這個人冒出了頭來，一種看似極端自私的人生主張，若水過鴨背，從意思上看，自無甚麼特別之處。然而，當你從最fundamental的層面去想，它其實也點出了一些真理。外在的世界如何發展，現代那些越見敏感的人們最終還是不免察覺自己的存在、察覺到圍牆之外的世界，人們終究還是要回去面對內心一種醜惡的精神狀態、面對一堆悲慘而不設答案的問題——而世界在現實層面上是沒有神佛可以解救他們的。「豐屋、美服、厚味、皎色。有此四者，何求於外？」圍牆裡甚麼都有，我知道它們都不是永遠的，但起碼它有一剎那，然後我才會死於花下。這世間一千種色相和幻覺，它不是真的，但它終究還是人類的歸宿。

這些年的精神病歷叫我知道，生命本是一種幻覺。不然人類包括你我，不會如此本能和不可理喻地在圍牆裡追追逐逐，在幻覺裡生了又生，死了又死。

image taken via: a crying angel by ~NabbiN

I would not believe that Beijing government will allow us to have a REAL democratic regime, no matter in 2012, 2017 or even 2046. I personally don’t give a shit of what Hong Kong government is going to say. The proposal has been announced, the most important thing is that there is just timetable in it, that means no details for how to elect the Chief Executive and Legislative Council of Hong Kong SAR. Even though there are some tiny and sham changes of the system, like increasing seats of Legislative Council from 60 to 70. I have no idea for whether rejecting the proposal or not, because the proposal is just the old wine in new bottle.

The Functional Constituency still sinfully exist, our Chief Executive will still be elected by that goddamn Selection Committee, also the seats of it will be increased from just 800 to around 1200. Unfortunately I don’t see any essential difference on this change.

Pro-government power said that it’s a more democratic proposal than the last one, pan-government legislators also said that the proposal should be considered seriously, if they reject it again, they will disappoint the public. Because of their shameless character, I usually think that lackeys of Establishment are full of sense of humor, in an ironic way. Back to subject, usually traditional oriental-government wouldn’t like to release it’s power to people, neither it’s lackeys. These types of governments trust nothing and afraid of anything.

Furthermore, there has always been a reluctance in some kinds of Hong Kong people giving back universal suffrage tothe general public. You know that what I mean, those kinds of people, which include rich men, businessmen, tycoons, have the strongest desire to make everything frozen so that they can keep earning profit and power. Their will to freeze the democratic development perhaps even stronger than Beijing government. The power which is against Hong Kong people also comes from this city also.

Nevertheless, the hardest choice to make for pan-democratic camp is whether they support it in council. The camp has the power to reject the proposal in theory, however, their power is weak and breakable. As we know that some of legislators don’t actually belong to the camp. Another critical problem is that we cant definitely know that whether the public support it. The majority usually shows no interest on this subject, and most of them have given up, it’s the worst thing in this issue.

The Pan-deomorcatic camp have to join a political gamble now. LSD luckily have nothing to worry, because it just serves a small number of violators. The proposal leaves the Civil Party, and of course the most terrified, powerful one, the Democratic Party both to a difficult situation. Now the situation is like a restaurant staff that gives you a shit as you meal, you can chose eating it or rejecting it. If you chose the latter, you probably will be blamed by many people included the one who shits this. Certainly that is the situation now. However, the proposal is just like that shit putting on you desk.

My sickness become more critical in past few days. I absolutely cant sleep at night, people know that lack of sleep is one of the most horrible thing that human ever experienced. I cant clearly explain what happened to myself in those painful days, it just likes an unstoppable nightmare. Unlike philosophers and mad men, there is no question which is torturing me in my heart, I feel that the problem is purely physical. Eventually I went to hospital and got some sleeping pills for my condition. I still fight for my life although my soul and cell are killing me in this type of state. I want to survive of course as people and animals do, however the seed of lust for death is instinctly prepared in subconscious. At least I feel that really, unfortunately most of people’s soul are instinctly seeking destruction, at least a state of calmness. Thats the reason to explain why people commit suicide, taking drugs and the most popular choice: choosing a God to believe.

One day I will write an article to explain my view of religion things. I always mention that I really want to believe in Jesus. I am not joking. I can imagine that how well to be a REAL christianity follower, I got this thought by witnessing the transition of people who have become a believers. Unfortunately I also know that I wont become a follower of any religion in short term. Because I know that I will have so much doubt to ask, and doubt is not acceptable for a religion. Those invisible God wont answer it a word. Besides, most of their agents are businessmen not people who have wisdom and answer. I certainly know that if I get better after joining a group of religion, the effect is absolutely fake. The answer is I cure myself in that case, is not real. Then I have to ask: why should I care about whether God is real of not? Nevertheless, I care it more than anything. So the heaven is not prepared for me, but for people who wont argue too much in deep mind. I do envy them.

I have to stop my bullshit in here, because I have taken sleeping pill. Hopefully I can have a good sleep tonight.

Crescent (2003)
GACKT
official site

正經八百的評論界總有意無意地忽略視覺系的。我明白，對著一群貌似只懂扮靚的粉皮、台下女粉絲的狂叫高呼，文藝青年和品味人士自然冷待。然而我也留意幾個東洋的疑似視覺系，除出一堆只懂化妝穿衣的之外，出名的單位其實常有出色作品。我知道Gackt有時執著耍帥得令人難以接受，而且近年的單曲也有趺watt的跡象。然而我拿到他零三年的【Crescent】去聽，發現實在是一張Masterpiece，將流行曲和前衛搖滾融合得非常出色，極富流行之餘亦有曲的藝術性——曲從來都是重點，其中的慢歌很能聽出作曲時的用心。

其實我一向不喜歡Gackt的慢歌，因為大多實在是悶出了鳥來——我知道要靠悶歌食糊，唔係點lum女？可【Crescent】的慢歌在其作品群中，卻是鶴立雞群的好，重點的《月の詩》、《Solitary》只以acoustic的吉他伴奏，副歌亦不過加一層弘樂，是對旋律的自信，也切合當中的情緒。中版的《Last Song》在當時應該是首Big Hit，淒涼得來很別緻的編曲，最末的《オレンジの太陽》更是首壯麗的的epic。(雖然《Moon Child》是部甚爛的戲)

快歌以《Mind Forest》的笛子為精彩之處，《Lust for Blood》則為色彩最重的一首，開首以沉重的配樂，暴烈的吉他音牆隨之襲來，可說是整張專輯的重心。其一片泣血的紅，也切合封套那月下寂然的紅。但令人尷尬的是，他近年的歌與這張碟相比卻是——差好遠bo。

Track Listing:

• 1.Dybbuk
• 2. mind forest listen
• 3. 月の詩 listen
• 4. 君が待っているから
• 5. Solitary
• 6. 星の砂
• 7. Lust for blood listen
• 8. white eyes
• 9. 君が追いかけた夢
• 10. Last Song
• 11. Birdcage
• 12. オレンジの太陽 listen

中年男人為甚麼到了某個時間，都愛溝年紀可做他女兒的年輕女子？片面的人會想那是因為年輕女孩子肌膚光滑、混身青春。家裡的妻，自然敵不過時間。男人有了別的女人，必然是因為他嫌棄妻子身材發漲、臉上長了皺紋，生育過的身體鬆馳，交歡也不歡了。然而這不過是那些口裡嚷著「十個男人八個賤」的港女們的一家之言，如果問題是如此簡單，天下也沒幾多人離婚了。既然女孩子從有知覺開始已經化妝護膚，容貌身材亦可後天僭建。

其實年輕的女子，有甚麼好。十三四歲，已有成人知覺，荷爾蒙分泌旺盛，整日唸著的就是自己的七情六慾。往後的幾年，終日意亂情迷，心猿意馬。吱吱喳喳說話沒完沒了，像帶了一台收音機回家。姿色尚好的，更覺自己天生麗質難自棄，可資遊玩人間十數載，貪得無厭，以為自己價值很多很多。如今有個經濟能力尚可的大叔撞過來，跟他「來往」一陣子，有何損失？同齡的男孩子能給她甚麼呢？中年男人給她吃的穿的，最少也高一個檔次。年輕的女孩子，屬性乃是物慾。不只要可觸可碰的東西，還有感官層面悅樂。同齡的男孩子，對物慾感官的賞玩，與女孩子相比實在是雲泥之別。

然她們真心的膚淺，才是中年男人的救贖。家裡的糟糠之妻，說的不是孩子功課不好、就是今個月家用少了，再來就是像一張肥地氈般躺在電視前看著《宮心計》。儘管年輕女孩子嘴裡說的盡是無聊，卻是中年男人煩重生活壓力的出口，兩個人無無謂謂的磨掉時間，叫人拾回了一點戀愛滋味，釋放一下精神壓力，回到家對著家人也不自覺好聲好氣不少。中年男人於是回想自己少年歲月，卻是空白一片——想當年家鄉的長輩告訴他，大丈夫何患無妻？只管讀書﹗將來你出人頭地了，誰敢瞧不起你？中年男人沒停過讀書、工作、供樓，成了個事業有成的社會賢達。然而如今卻覺人生如夢，一頭華髮如殘雪般斑白，卻像從來沒活過，沒順過自己一刻心意過活。

中年男人年輕時沒任性過，因此也沒長大過。如今南柯夢醒，又成了一個慘綠青年。惜年輕女孩子不打算跟他來往很久，中年男人一天去尋她，看見她跟一個小伙子在一起，驚訝一下後就明白了。站在街頭，頓覺若有所失，秋風一刮，將地上的枯葉吹到中年男人追不回的地方去。

image: Young. by ~kittysyellowjacket

今天早晨，瞥到星島系免費報上一則新聞，載深水埗一對情侶吵爭，男的回家後發現不得其門而入，遂暴走，折返樓下便利店買了一塊雞腿，騙了一把果刀，然後回去家門前「割手」，情緒激動，聲言女的不開門便尋死去也，女的見狀唯有報警，警員來到，唯有將之送院，然女的仍餘氣未消，不肯陪同入院。

這條令人哭笑不得，極具戲劇效果的新聞是真是假，無從稽考，況且我又一向不信這份八婆小報(都市AM也比之好得多)。然而，不能否認的是此等孽案，近年又是越見平常。報稱男事主姓黃，二十八歲，讀來實為奇趣。都快三十歲了，還像個腦子還沒長好的慘綠青年，失戀了便吵吵鬧鬧得像個要奶吃的嬰兒，很有一種極盡荒謬的喜劇感。也不知道是不是現在的人沒到中老年，已經越活越回去，小時候被人家舞來舞去，都沒長大過，混身還是那種少年的、外顯的情緒——超級巨聲們又是相似的哭哭哭，有甚麼好哭。情愛慾恨，來去自如，失去倒像一場飛來橫禍，值得大哭三天。然而超級巨聲們參賽之始，已知有贏有輸，卻個個都像有一段不為人之的過去——然而巨聲們聲淚俱下，卻也不及張柏芝有演技的好。嗯，看官亦知，我喜好離題萬丈。

然而，我又想，一個人到了二十八歲時，還能為著這些事亂來蠻幹，也挺令人羨慕的。我以為尋常男子，也總有些鬚眉之身的自尊，然而時代不同了，現在一哭二鬧三上吊也不再是女子的專利。這個年代，男人越來越像女人，然而這也沒甚麼不好的，沒甚麼比舊時的農村式男人更麻煩更有礙民智進步。況且有需要的男人搞搞哭鬧上吊大吵大嚷，釋放一下精神壓力，保持心理健康，晚上便不會有失眠問題了。

image taken: CRY BABY

I have finished brett’s third solo work named Slow Attack which I was looking forward to hearing it for so long. The songs are mainly featured with woodwind-instruments, besides it have completely departed from brett’s trait, his stationary old sounds. However I was quiet confused after finishing the album. Brett Anderson absolutely transfered himself to something I cant recognize at all by composing these absolutely beautiful and melancholic melody.

Lets have a little flash back. Brett released his first solo album in 2007 which contained a notable song titled “love is dead” which is really impressive for me. The song sounds really dark and tragically heroic by the thoughtful string line, simultaneously reflected the darkest part of his mind. Then the second album “wilderness” is very plain, which is full of piano and string loop only. Brett has apparently became an indie singing songwriter. Moreover I still think that those post-suede songs are still Brett-style things.

But the third one “Slow Attack” is produced by Brett and his new partner Leo Abrahams in the winter of London. The album is like a pale dream, a withering flower, which is very atmospheric, but not as emotional as his previous works. I cant find any piece of scent of britpop sounds in “Slow Attack” anymore. The album perhaps is the most violent departure between Brett and his past. Certainly the most lovely one for me is “the hunted” which will also be the single. An implicitly sorrowful song that I have been listened for so long before the album is out.

Lately I discovered that Brett have done some tours in various South America Country like Chile and Lima. I found that Brett looks good, his performance is rock and vivid once again. He also did “The Hunted” in the show as well as he covered it to be a band version. I think it is even better than the album one, so does his costume. I better come back to the subject. The weather here have changed, atmosphere of the season is just like the emotion you can find in “slow attack”. Autumn is quite a complicated season, as if the album is simultaneously mixed with hopeful prettiness and beautiful melancholy.

***

Slow Attack
Brett Anderson
B A Songs

Track Listing:

• 01. Hymn
• 02. Wheatfields
• 03. The Hunted
• 04. Frozen Roads
• 05. Summer
• 06. Pretty Widows
• 07. The Swans
• 08. Ashes Of Us
• 09. Scarecrow And Lilacs
• 10. Julian Eyes
• 11. Leave Me Sleeping